I'll probably wont be blogging for the next week. My parents took our laptop on vacation and I hate blogging on my phone!
That being said. Adans staying with me while they're gone. If this week works out, I want to ask if Aedan and I could move in with him... I really don't want to live here anymore. My mom and I got into a stupid fight and she tried kicking Aedan and I out. That wouldn't be so bad if it weren't a frequent occurence. She gets so ridiculously enraged that she just flips a lid. I'm really sick of it! I just want a stable home for Aedan and I. I'm always treated like the black sheep in my family so they're always ganging up on me. I'M SICK OF IT! I'm so over not fitting into my own family. I just feel rejected and alone whenever they pull their BS. Me no likey.
Aside from that, I'm good. I just found out I'm going to start working only 4 days a week... THANK GOD! I feel dead inside being worn down so thin "/
I need sleep.
Fml.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
I have feelings...
I miss my sister... there's no eloquent way to say that. I've found over the past two years that it's better just to be blunt.
I miss my sister.
I say it again to reiterate the fact that I'm still hurting. I guess it wouldn't tear me up inside as much if I still had my strong support system I once had. After having Aedan, my friends kind of started dropping like flies.
But they don't matter.
Back to my sister. Jacqueline was born September, 21st 1994. I raised her, we became mortal enemies, then the best of friends. It wasn't 'til she was about 13 and I was 15 though. We grew up with some of the same best friends, shared everything, had eachothers back. We were more then sisters, we were best friends. It sounds backwards, but if you know, you know.
In '08, we found out Jackie had systemic lupus. After that, her body just started to deteriorate. April '09 she was in the hospital for a week. We used to take picures and order all the food we could from the cafeteria. It was the best time of my short life. She was discharged at the end of the week. Her body continued to deteriorate though.
The last movie she, my mother, and I saw together was My Sister's Keeper. Jackie was having a really bad flair up during so and I did everything we could to make sitting through the film easier. I love that movie. Everytime I see it, I'm still brought to tears. After the movie, my sister and I waited in the truck while my mother ran into the store. It still breaks my heart thinking of this next part... There was a dust storm outside and it caused her to have a really bad asthma attack. She couldn't breathe. At all. I sat there in the back seat holding her just trying to get her to calm down. Turns out next day she was admitted into the hospital for Valley Fever (They didn't know that 'til it was too late.)
The last thing she told me was to get out of her room and leave. She was mad that I was sleeping late and she needed help. I understand this, but it still hurts that that was our last conversation... She went into the ICU that night for the next two weeks.
I remember the exact moment my dad came into my room and woke me up that theywere pulling the plug on my sister. I was in awe. I didnt believe it. I wanted to kill myself just so they could give her my lungs. That's how desperate I was to keep my baby sister alive. I didnt cry the whole drive there... I didnt cry walking into the hospital. I didnt cry until the nurse held her arms open and told me she was sorry. I then walked into her room and laid in her bed next to her 'til I couldn't bare to lay there anymore. It is really a draining feeling laying there feeling a loved ones soul leave there body. It is really depressing. I promptly left the room. I couldn't bare being in there, knowing my sister was gone. I couldn't bare the thought that my best friend had left me for good. I needed her the most during that time in my life. I was getting into a lot of trouble around that time. I felt for my mother and father, but when I could feel her disappointment, it really sucked. It ripped me up inside. I have never cared more about anyone's approval except hers.
I recommend the song "Yesterday" by Atmosphere (my fav hip hop group.) It perfectly puts into words my feelings. I'm having troubles saying them right now.
http://youtu.be/8FJUD0rEPWM
I'm just weak. I just can't handle everything I have going on sometimes. It's funny, the only time she's in my dreams is when I feel totally helpless and she knows I need her. I really do need her. I need my baby sister again, but its impossible...
Everyday of my life I think about her. I just fucking miss her.More then anything and anyone.
I miss my sister.
I say it again to reiterate the fact that I'm still hurting. I guess it wouldn't tear me up inside as much if I still had my strong support system I once had. After having Aedan, my friends kind of started dropping like flies.
But they don't matter.
Back to my sister. Jacqueline was born September, 21st 1994. I raised her, we became mortal enemies, then the best of friends. It wasn't 'til she was about 13 and I was 15 though. We grew up with some of the same best friends, shared everything, had eachothers back. We were more then sisters, we were best friends. It sounds backwards, but if you know, you know.
In '08, we found out Jackie had systemic lupus. After that, her body just started to deteriorate. April '09 she was in the hospital for a week. We used to take picures and order all the food we could from the cafeteria. It was the best time of my short life. She was discharged at the end of the week. Her body continued to deteriorate though.
The last movie she, my mother, and I saw together was My Sister's Keeper. Jackie was having a really bad flair up during so and I did everything we could to make sitting through the film easier. I love that movie. Everytime I see it, I'm still brought to tears. After the movie, my sister and I waited in the truck while my mother ran into the store. It still breaks my heart thinking of this next part... There was a dust storm outside and it caused her to have a really bad asthma attack. She couldn't breathe. At all. I sat there in the back seat holding her just trying to get her to calm down. Turns out next day she was admitted into the hospital for Valley Fever (They didn't know that 'til it was too late.)
The last thing she told me was to get out of her room and leave. She was mad that I was sleeping late and she needed help. I understand this, but it still hurts that that was our last conversation... She went into the ICU that night for the next two weeks.
I remember the exact moment my dad came into my room and woke me up that theywere pulling the plug on my sister. I was in awe. I didnt believe it. I wanted to kill myself just so they could give her my lungs. That's how desperate I was to keep my baby sister alive. I didnt cry the whole drive there... I didnt cry walking into the hospital. I didnt cry until the nurse held her arms open and told me she was sorry. I then walked into her room and laid in her bed next to her 'til I couldn't bare to lay there anymore. It is really a draining feeling laying there feeling a loved ones soul leave there body. It is really depressing. I promptly left the room. I couldn't bare being in there, knowing my sister was gone. I couldn't bare the thought that my best friend had left me for good. I needed her the most during that time in my life. I was getting into a lot of trouble around that time. I felt for my mother and father, but when I could feel her disappointment, it really sucked. It ripped me up inside. I have never cared more about anyone's approval except hers.
I recommend the song "Yesterday" by Atmosphere (my fav hip hop group.) It perfectly puts into words my feelings. I'm having troubles saying them right now.
http://youtu.be/8FJUD0rEPWM
I'm just weak. I just can't handle everything I have going on sometimes. It's funny, the only time she's in my dreams is when I feel totally helpless and she knows I need her. I really do need her. I need my baby sister again, but its impossible...
Jackie and I before she was diagnosed.
The tattoo I got for her in hopes it would make her happy and healthy
Jackie and I while she was in the hospital the first time.
My beautiful sister and a perfect example of what a beautiful soul she is.
Jackie right before she went into the hospital the second time.
Everyday of my life I think about her. I just fucking miss her.More then anything and anyone.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Late Night Spewage of the Mouth
My advice, to anyone thinking they're Superman or woman, your not. Dont bite off more then you can chew. I used to hate being stuck at home, but now, I'm cherishing every second I can spend with my family. I go to school full time, just to turn around and work a full time job as a barista. And now, apparently a shit eater, seeing as how our patrons have been treating us! So for anyone who wants to know how I manage all these, let me show you;
10 am- Wake up, spend time with Aedan
1120- Get ready for school
1140- Leave for school, drop Aedan off at sitter's on somedays
1220 pm- Arrive at school
140- Eat "breakfast"
310- Eat "lunch"
430- Leave school, head to work
445- Clock into work
6-7- Dinner
1030- Get home, spend time with Aedan
1100- Put Aedan to sleep, do homework, relax
2 am- Go to sleep
Yah, thats my day, to the "T", as some might put it. Its sad. I always find myself wanting my son to visit or wanting to drown myself in espresso (There's no "X" in ESPRESSO!) But I'm not complaining.. a lot. I have weekends off, so I always dedicate that time to my family.
Not that anyone cares.
Ha.
Ha.
The reason I wanted to post a blog tonight was to discuss my views on parenting. *Just because you can procreate doesn't mean you should* Today at my work, there was a young male sitting on the outskirts of our cafe. He was a good 25 ft from me, but I could tell he was as high as a kite. Now this is a natural occurence at Bookman's, we just attract bums and losers, but what made me really mad was that he had his son with him. His son looked no older then two and was throwing a F.I.T because his "daddy" decided to leave him buckled ino his Toy Story stroller. That child was strapped down against his will for well over two hours. That may no seem too bad (it does), but what REALLY ticked me off was that instead of taking his son to get a toy or a book, he wanted to read a magazine. Not just any magazine, but a Hustler. A MF'N HUSTLER! In front of his two year old son! For two hours! That's disgusting, and an exact example of someone who should not procreate, to the "T"!
Another example is would be the mom who doesn' want to give up hey're party lives to raise thier children. Now I have a few friends like this, to an extent, but I also know one specific girl that comes to mind. To keep this away from a bashing post, I wont include names, and I wont go into depth. I will actually list it as more of a general guideline as of what NOT to do;
Dont dump your child on your parents to go out.
Dont expect your parents to support your child.
Dont use your child against his father.
Dont treat your child badly.
Dont say hurtful things to your child.
Dont bring the men you sleep with around your child.
All in all, dont be THIS girl.
It amazes me how immature some mothers and fathers can be. Seriously. You knew what you were getting into, so step up and do it right! I have no respect for this "parents", and I sympathisize with thier children. I am prolife, but personally, I am 100% against abortion and 100% for stepping up and doing the right thing. Right thing isnt just raising your child. The right thing for you might be adoption. Adoption is a beautiful, sacred gift, and should always be considered when deciding how to go about an unplanned pregnancy. I personally, and morally, am against both. My mindset is "If you make the decision to have sex, you make the decision to have a baby." Simple. As. That.
Again, and yesterday as well, I appologize for any spelling, grammatical, etc errors you may find. Gimme a break, Im exhausted. Good night all.
10 am- Wake up, spend time with Aedan
1120- Get ready for school
1140- Leave for school, drop Aedan off at sitter's on somedays
1220 pm- Arrive at school
140- Eat "breakfast"
310- Eat "lunch"
430- Leave school, head to work
445- Clock into work
6-7- Dinner
1030- Get home, spend time with Aedan
1100- Put Aedan to sleep, do homework, relax
2 am- Go to sleep
Yah, thats my day, to the "T", as some might put it. Its sad. I always find myself wanting my son to visit or wanting to drown myself in espresso (There's no "X" in ESPRESSO!) But I'm not complaining.. a lot. I have weekends off, so I always dedicate that time to my family.
Not that anyone cares.
Ha.
Ha.
The reason I wanted to post a blog tonight was to discuss my views on parenting. *Just because you can procreate doesn't mean you should* Today at my work, there was a young male sitting on the outskirts of our cafe. He was a good 25 ft from me, but I could tell he was as high as a kite. Now this is a natural occurence at Bookman's, we just attract bums and losers, but what made me really mad was that he had his son with him. His son looked no older then two and was throwing a F.I.T because his "daddy" decided to leave him buckled ino his Toy Story stroller. That child was strapped down against his will for well over two hours. That may no seem too bad (it does), but what REALLY ticked me off was that instead of taking his son to get a toy or a book, he wanted to read a magazine. Not just any magazine, but a Hustler. A MF'N HUSTLER! In front of his two year old son! For two hours! That's disgusting, and an exact example of someone who should not procreate, to the "T"!
Another example is would be the mom who doesn' want to give up hey're party lives to raise thier children. Now I have a few friends like this, to an extent, but I also know one specific girl that comes to mind. To keep this away from a bashing post, I wont include names, and I wont go into depth. I will actually list it as more of a general guideline as of what NOT to do;
Dont dump your child on your parents to go out.
Dont expect your parents to support your child.
Dont use your child against his father.
Dont treat your child badly.
Dont say hurtful things to your child.
Dont bring the men you sleep with around your child.
All in all, dont be THIS girl.
It amazes me how immature some mothers and fathers can be. Seriously. You knew what you were getting into, so step up and do it right! I have no respect for this "parents", and I sympathisize with thier children. I am prolife, but personally, I am 100% against abortion and 100% for stepping up and doing the right thing. Right thing isnt just raising your child. The right thing for you might be adoption. Adoption is a beautiful, sacred gift, and should always be considered when deciding how to go about an unplanned pregnancy. I personally, and morally, am against both. My mindset is "If you make the decision to have sex, you make the decision to have a baby." Simple. As. That.
Again, and yesterday as well, I appologize for any spelling, grammatical, etc errors you may find. Gimme a break, Im exhausted. Good night all.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
One foot in, one foot out.
Little background Info:
19 years young.
Mommy to Aedan Antonio Vega.
Full time Student Medical Assistant.
Full time barista.
Went to Westwood High School, Mesa, AZ.
I dedicate all my free time to my son.
I have no life outside of him, school, and work.
LAWLz!
I made this blog to share with whomever wants to listen, my son, my world, and myself. Say what you want, just please keep rude comments to yourself. Rude comments make made... You won't like me when I'm mad.
So as my first entry, I would like to say that my son turns a year in one week from yesterday (Tuesday.) We're having his birthday party this Saturday, and quite frankly, I'm terrified. Seeing aa this is ask new to me, I don't know what a party for a one year old consists of... Any suggestions? I can't believe its already been one year and I've made it out alive! Bad joke, I take it back. Aedan's wonderful. He is as cute as a button and just melts my heart. Just when I thought he couldnt be any cuter, he started walking just last Sunday! I'll try too get a video of it up in a few days. But back to the pressing manner, AEDAN'S BIRTHDAY! As proud and ecstatic as I am, I cant help but over think it! I want my guests to be entertained, but I also wantit to be all about Aedan. I dont want too many people, but I know how big Adan's family is and I'm nervous they'll be judgmental of me. Just so many other emotions are at play and I cant seem to pit them to rest and enjoy this time.
And due this overwhelming stress, I have succumb to the evils of caffeine once again. For those who dont already know, I'm addicted to caffeine. Not the "Ohhh, I need a Venti Carmel Machiatto from SB like STAT", but the "writhing in pain while in a fetal position" kind. (To anyone who didnt know any better, I'm an avid supporter of local coffee shops. Starbucks dishes out inaccurate cow piss and miseducates theyre consumers into believing that theyre piss is GOOD coffee. Its not, it tastes like an effing ashtray.) So anyways, I had gone FIVE WHOLE DAYS without caffeine, feeling pretty ok considering. In fact, all I experienced was headaches and a loss of appetite. It wasnt til my coworker, Adara, made a Halloween latte that I got an itch in my throat. Thats when I broke down.. Fml. So that explains why I'm even up this late. Good night followers, I need to get some sleep so I can take my test on the antecubital veins!
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