I have feelings...

I miss my sister... there's no eloquent way to say that. I've found over the past two years that it's better just to be blunt.

I miss my sister.

I say it again to reiterate the fact that I'm still hurting. I guess it wouldn't tear me up inside as much if I still had my strong support system I once had. After having Aedan, my friends kind of started dropping like flies.

But they don't matter.

Back to my sister. Jacqueline was born September, 21st 1994. I raised her, we became mortal enemies, then the best of friends. It wasn't 'til she was about 13 and I was 15 though. We grew up with some of the same best friends, shared everything, had eachothers back. We were more then sisters, we were best friends. It sounds backwards, but if you know, you know.

In '08, we found out Jackie had systemic lupus. After that, her body just started to deteriorate. April '09 she was in the hospital for a week. We used to take picures and order all the food we could from the cafeteria. It was the best time of my short life. She was discharged at the end of the week. Her body continued to deteriorate though.

The last movie she, my mother, and I saw together was My Sister's Keeper. Jackie was having a really bad flair up during so and I did everything we could to make sitting through the film easier. I love that movie. Everytime I see it, I'm still brought to tears. After the movie, my sister and I waited in the truck while my mother ran into the store. It still breaks my heart thinking of this next part... There was a dust storm outside and it caused her to have a really bad asthma attack. She couldn't breathe. At all. I sat there in the back seat holding her just trying to get her to calm down. Turns out next day she was admitted into the hospital for Valley Fever (They didn't know that 'til it was too late.)

The last thing she told me was to get out of her room and leave. She was mad that I was sleeping late and she needed help. I understand this, but it still hurts that that was our last conversation... She went into the ICU that night for the next two weeks.

I remember the exact moment my dad came into my room and woke me up that theywere pulling the plug on my sister. I was in awe. I didnt believe it. I wanted to kill myself just so they could give her my lungs. That's how desperate I was to keep my baby sister alive. I didnt cry the whole drive there... I didnt cry walking into the hospital. I didnt cry until the nurse held her arms open and told me she was sorry. I then walked into her room and laid in her bed next to her 'til I couldn't bare to lay there anymore. It is really a draining feeling laying there feeling a loved ones soul leave there body. It is really depressing. I promptly left the room. I couldn't bare being in there, knowing my sister was gone. I couldn't bare the thought that my best friend had left me for good. I needed her the most during that time in my life. I was getting into a lot of trouble around that time. I felt for my mother and father, but when I could feel her disappointment, it really sucked. It ripped me up inside. I have never cared more about anyone's approval except hers.

I recommend the song "Yesterday" by Atmosphere (my fav hip hop group.) It perfectly puts into words my feelings. I'm having troubles saying them right now.
http://youtu.be/8FJUD0rEPWM

I'm just weak. I just can't handle everything I have going on sometimes. It's funny, the only time she's in my dreams is when I feel totally helpless and she knows I need her. I really do need her. I need my baby sister again, but its impossible...

Jackie and I before she was diagnosed.

The tattoo I got for her in hopes it would make her happy and healthy

Jackie and I while she was in the hospital the first time.

My beautiful sister and a perfect example of what a beautiful soul she is.

Jackie right before she went into the hospital the second time.

Everyday of my life I think about her. I just fucking miss her.More then anything and anyone.